electricfeel.

i am emotionally & physically drained. lots of walking, lots of caffeine, lots of reading, lots of books to carry around, lots of new faces, lots of crazy professors. the first week is almost over & i’m already overwhelmed. i feel like i can’t find something to get me motivated to really go hard & do well in college. i’ve met some really cool people but it’s hard for me to hang out with them when i have to be home before it’s dark. [i’m a commuter & the neighborhood where my school’s located isn’t the best.]

i finally broke down about the cost of college. like i’ve said before, i really don’t feel like i deserve it & i feel like the money is part of it. there are so many people who got full rides or only have to pay room & board because their parents work with the school. it’s so frustrating because all i got was $10000 & my mom’s still being all stingy about filling out the paperwork to get me a loan or something so i can at least stay in school for this semester. yesterday, i was really considering dropping out, working full time & never going back. but that’s not how i want to end up: dead-end job, living at home with my mom, never getting the education i need to make it out of this fucking city.

it’s like, i want to do something but i’m so confused as to what. i thought i had it all figured out then i got here & now i’m incredibly lost.

i think it also has to do with a conversation a new friend of mine, peter, & i were having. he was telling me how he’s never really met a girl like me before who burps & swears like a guy & knows more than average about sports & is just honest & laid-back. it made me feel really self-conscious & i really started to re-evaluate who i was as a person. i mean, all the people i’ve met at school are dudes. most of the girls there come off as really stuck up & are wearing sundresses & gladiator sandals & cute little booties. of course, i’d like to dress like that but i can’t due to finances. not to mention, i feel more comfortable in jeans, vans & a shirt anyways. but at the same time, i want someone to think i’m sexy & like me for who i am. i don’t want to change but sometimes i feel like i should be wearing all that traditionally “girly” shit too. idk, i feel like i’m rambling & it isn’t making any sense.

so to break it down: i’ve been crying a lot & i really need to re-evaluate things & do some soul-searching & figure myself out at this point in time. i’m lost.

i am home from a mini-vacation from the internet thanks to my dad’s house not having wireless. felt good to cut the cords for a while.

last week welcome days went down. i met back up with the usual suspects [kyle, zach, prue, chris aka big sexy, & fez] & met some cool new people too. [dylan, emma, kelsey & chris] i’m pretty excited because tomorrow is the first day of classes. i am nervous about the taking RTA because i don’t want to be late. first class is at 9:30. insanity will ensue.

the more i think about it, the more excited i become. it feels like my life is making this epic change but i have to remind myself that things are staying pretty much the same only i’m going to a different school without a lunch period or study hall. i don’t want to get myself too psyched up because i’m afraid it’s just going to end up blowing up in my face. to be completely honest, i don’t think i deserve or belong in this school. & being a commuter, it’s hard because since i’m not in control of when i arrive or leave, i feel like i’m going to miss out on a lot of fun things my friends will be doing since i’m not on campus. but this school obviously saw something in me which is why they accepted me & gave me a $10,000 scholarship. & i will have times where i can stay longer or crash in someone’s room & have a little bit of fun from time to time. besides, i am there to learn, not to party 24/7. so there’s still a lot of doubt in me but my excitement is trumping it, at least for the time being.

more updates on “college life” to come.

the times that i tell my mom something really important then when i remind her about it, she acts like it’s the first time i’ve told her.

example: welcome days start tomorrow & i have certain events i HAVE to go to [because i’m a commuter, it makes it more difficult & as someone who doesn’t have their license or a car, it makes it damn-near impossible.] told my mom the times friday, reminded her again on sunday. tonight, the night before, i tell her my entire schedule for the rest of the week & she tells me to ask my dad to drive me. he wasn’t happy & neither am i. i mean, i’m excited to spend time with him the rest of this week but i just wish she had told me she couldn’t take off work & i could’ve called my dad during the weekend. not to mention, she took off an entire week to help my sister get ready when she left for college but she can’t cut out of work an hour early to take me to a school that’s not even 30 minutes away?! in my opinion, just goes to show you how much the woman really cares about me. or lack thereof.

i just want the some respect. is that too much to ask?

it’s all happening so fast: tuition, new friends, welcome days, books, lists, scholarships, buildings, bus passes, IDs, social security numbers, dates, times, schedules, icalendar, premature stress, passwords, e-mails, work, chill.

i barely have time to think anymore, yet i’m kinda liking it. classes don’t start for another week but i’m still freaking out. my mom’s on my case about tuition but isn’t doing shit to help me when i ask for it. my dad’s giving me as much advice as he humanly can which is what i need since my mom’s no help in that department. i’ve figured out how i’m going to get to class & working on how i’m going to pay for school as a working commuter. seems like once one thing gets solved, three more problems come up. but at least i’m keeping busy & not vegging out like i would usually do right before school starts.

i guess this is all part of the newest chapter in my life: semi-adulthood. although i’m still treated as a child [& in some regards, i am], it feels like there’s something different about it this time. like, when you realize the seasons are changing & you have to break out the coats & gloves & pack away the frivolous summer clothes & flip flops. it’s still a time to be whimsical but there’s a pressing gravity about things. i think i’m prepared to test & ace it.

not really sure how to start this one off. i feel like i have a lot to say but am unsure of how to say it.

it was my aunt’s birthday yesterday, her first after being diagnosed with cervical cancer. it was a really special one. my family was together, happy, laughing, dancing, just celebrating life in general, i suppose. it was the first time in a long time there wasn’t a lot of awkwardness, at least on my part. that made me feel really good about things, like there was a lift of optimism somewhere in my family.

welcome days for college are next week. classes start on the 24th. i think i’ve figured out how to get to class most days. since my parents work downtown, i’m going to ride with them every morning & take the bus back over to school. i really want to keep my job but it’s going to be hard because i can only work mondays, wednesdays & fridays. i feel like i should just take a leave of absence until i get my shit together & can fully work out a schedule i can commit to. plus, i just want to hang out after class for a while instead of rushing back to my neighborhood to work. i’m a lazy fuck like that.

i would talk about the guy i like but i’m not going to. he won’t get out of my head. there isn’t really much to say about the matter because i don’t think he has any clue how i feel about him & i’d rather he not anyways.

ok, i think i’m done now.

PS- i think i should stop posting late at night. sleeping should be at the top of my list.

don’t care what my mom says or how it’s cut, i just need something different. i’ve had this hairstyle for 5+ years & i can’t take it anymore. it’s making me depressed actually. so i’m letting my stylist cut it however she wants. it probably won’t be too dramatic but it’ll at least be different.

i hung out with one of my exes today. he’s changed a lot since the last time we talked & i’m proud of him. the reason he dumped me cause because i’m bi. he apologized some time ago but the wound was still there. i feel like after tonight, i can finally close that chapter. we talked a lot about the short time we were together, going to places that we had been before, laughing & just enjoying each other’s company. it was a good night.

we’re making plans to hang out next week & i’m amped to see him again.

i got some sort of “package” of jeans & a shirt today. my mom came in & asked me if i had ordered anything & i hadn’t. nonetheless i still wanted to see it but for some reason, it has conviently disappeared.

this is what pisses me off: my family refuses to tell me ANYTHING. & when they do, it’s still a mystery. why can’t i be in the loop? it’s like i’m below actually being informed of what’s going on in my own family, which isn’t nesscarily a bad thing because i don’t really like them but it’s the courtesy that i’m asking for.